By “Evil DJ” Sal S. Amambo
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The following article is entirely fictional. No particular real-life DJ was considered in writing this work. Any resemblance to a DJ, club owner, social organizer or party manager known to you is completely coincidental. The evil DJ Sal S. Amambo is a fictional character
comprised of many of the worst qualities in DJ-ing I have born witness to throughout my salsa career and throughout my many salsa travels (e.g. NC, NY, DC, LA, ATL, etc.). The name Sal S. Amambo, in it’s many forms (e.g. Dr. Sal S. Amambo, DJ Sal S. Amambo, etc.) is a fictitious name that I use to represent all that is evil and bad about salsa and the salsa scene worldwide.

Introduction: I am the evil salsa DJ, Sal S. Amambo… Tremble before my wrath. The villainy of my DJ’ing knoweth no bounds. So proud am I of my talents at ruining salsa parties and events that I am compelled to share with you my methods, such that you can truly appreciate the genius of my contemptuousness. I come in many forms. I could be spinning the records at your local club, at your social, at your private party… I could also be several places at once. The destructive might of my many salsa event tactics are only matched by the omnipresence thereof.

Music Mixing: I watch you dancers as you frolic and prance to my selections. I see how you leaders are crescendoing your dance in eager anticipation of a big finish. You are all but clamoring for that orchestra hit that comes at the end of the song so that you can finish with that one big dip and bask in the culmination of your efforts… Pathetic fool! Oh how I revel in foiling your meager efforts!!! Do you not know that I have the power to squash all of your efforts by a mere nudge of my mighty cross-fader?!?! There will be no big dip for you, mortal, as I will banish the end of the current selection by tossing some grossly incongruous song on top of it and throwing all the dancers on the floor off beat!!! MWAAAA HAAAAAA HAAA HAAA HAAA!!!

Or perhaps today I shall play an even craftier game… I see that there are many amateur dancers out tonight, dancing with highly skilled dancers… I know that those highly skilled dancers yearn for release from their meager partners and await the opportunity to return to dancers on their own skill level. I have a special trick up my sleeve for you… For you, I shall loop the song onto itself, or surreptitiously fade the current song into the beginning of a new song unbeknownst to those on the floor, thereby DOOMING you highly skilled dancers to several more minutes of terrible dancing!!! BWAAAAHAAA HA HAAAA!!!

Music Selection: Do you yet fear me? Do you yet tremble at the thought of my machinations? YOU HAVE YET TO KNOW MY NATURE, FOOLISH ONE!!! It gives me such joy to tamper with your attempts at enjoying yourselves. BEHOLD, as I play for you hardcore salseros a selection from my Central American selection… YES! You are at my mercy, and my whim demands that you dance your salsa to my Cumbia-tinged salsa substitutes. Nothing gives me greater joy than to watch you try to style to the sound of an accordion!

Yes… I know you have been waiting to dance, pitiful salsa lover. I can smell your impatience… O, how it fuels me. Beg for mercy as I play a bouncy, loopy salsa that will crowd the dance floor with uncoordinated, inexperienced Cumbia dancers in various states of inebriation ready to crash into you and your partner. HA HAAA! Have I not granted your request? Have I not played the salsa you have asked for? MWA HA! I know the salsa you seek, yet you shall not obtain it from me… for I am the evil DJ Sal S. Amambo and I shall be the bane of your salsa existence!!! I will twist and taint your requests to suit my evil desires. TREMBLE FOOLS!

DJ Participation: Ah. Even I cannot avoid playing acceptable salsa at some point. Even with the immense power that I wield, I cannot overcome science. Statistically speaking, if I play different salsa songs long enough, I will be forced to play a good one. This reality cannot be overcome… Or can it??? FOOLISH SALSERO!!! Do you think you have won so easily! Quiver in your Capezios as I lower the level on your precious Gran Combo song and scream my meaningless ramblings upon the microphone concerning the locale, my greatness, the ladies in the house, the nationalities of those present and other banal contrivances!!! BWAAAAA HAAA HAA HAAA HAAAAAAA!!! Yes… so evil am I that when faced with no other option than to play a good salsa song, I opt to speak on top of it rather than concede even one pristine song to you pitiful dancers.

Crowd Sensitivity: What is this? None of you are on the dance floor? You have left the dance floor empty? No one is motivated to dance to my cumbia-laced salsa or to my nonsensical banter??? Well then, this must be because you have yet to accept your pitiful fate! For you, I have prepared another 45 minutes of the very same, for nothing pleases me more than an empty dance floor and I will do all that is necessary to perpetuate it. I yearn for the absence of enjoyment. You will sit in your chairs and suffer as I subject you to track after track of de-motivating drivel. Not until you finally have accepted your fate and attempt to dance to my selections will I switch the genre to something completely unrelated, thereby returning you promptly to your seats! MWA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!

Music Rotation: O, I am aware of the demographic of my audience tonight… I can see all those salsa dancers out there. I know they await the rotation of music genres to return to salsa. Sit and suffer, salsero. We have every other genre of Latin music ever devised to rotate through before you will be catered to. Before you will be satiated, you will be subjected to 4 Merengues, 3 Batchatas, 3 Cumbias, 3 Latin Reggaes, 3 Latin House songs and 2 Rock en espaƱol songs before I will even consider returning to salsa. At 5 minutes a song, that’s 90 minutes of other music before I play your single salsa song and return to the rotation. MWA HA… I know why you have come to the club, but you will not gain satisfaction from me…

Conclusion: Yes… you have come to realize that your efforts are futile against my might. You have succumbed to the power I wield as your DJ. You accept that you are forever DOOMED to suffer as I… what? What do you mean? What are you… you… you can’t… NO!!! You cannot do this to me!!! You cannot FIRE ME!!! I AM THE EVIL DJ SAL S. AMAMBO!!! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE MY… what do you mean take my shit with me? But I always play this record… you can’t have a salsa party without ME! But… I… UM… uh…

I SHALL RETURN YOU INCOMPENTENT OAFS, FOR MY INCARNATIONS ARE MANY!!! BEWARE MY SALSA WRATH!!! MWAAAA HAA HAAA HAAA HAAAAAAAAA!!! By the way, um, can I get a ride? I was supposed to get a ride home with the owner of the club but, uh, you know, that kind of fell through, so uh… No? Oh. Ok. Well, maybe next time… thanks…

Willie Fuego